To The Toxic Friendship I Had To Leave Behind

How did we get here? We met when we were only three months old. We bit each other when we were teething, fought over who has got to be Blossom from the Power Puff girls, we were spies, we were the Karate Kid, and we were dancers. We were there for each other when we had very questionable haircuts, we got into trouble, we fought, we made up, but we were always there for each other. You knew me better than I knew myself. Even when life pulled us apart we always found our way back together. So, how did we get here?

I was pregnant and ready to move on to the next part of my life and get out of Iola, so we moved in together. I knew we would have our fights but I knew we could handle it. Then things started to slip. We went from talking all the time to barely talking at all. I hated never seeing you. We lived in the same house, but I was lucky enough to see you once every three weeks. The only time it seemed that you wanted me was when you got into an argument...with him.

He was a whole other story. I hated him. He belittled you, he would lash out at you, punish you, and control you. I remember once when I stood up for you, he got so mad you had to apologize to him for what I had said and tell him I was in the wrong. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand how you could still love him? I saw you less and less. The vibrant, loving, caring friend I once knew had slowly drifted away. Instead of being the one who encouraged me, you tore me apart. I felt belittled and unwanted. You knew my weaknesses and my insecurities and you used them. Then one day our friendship broke.

Ending our friendship was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I didn't know what else to do. Four days later I gave birth to Jordan, how I wish you could have met him as a baby. He was so strong and knew how to win over anyones heart. After I came home from the hospital I began to struggle with postpartum depression and I felt alone. There were so many times I wanted to reach out to you. I struggled with myself, my marriage, being a mother, and on top of that, I struggled with the trauma that I had experienced. During this time I found a group of women who believed in me, and who encouraged me to grow as a person. I started reading my Bible again, I dove into books on self-development, I overcame my fear and started seeing a therapist and it took years for me to realize what had happened and for that I am sorry.

I am so sorry that I was not equipped to help you through the most difficult time in your life. When I was upset because I felt belittled by you I didn't realize how much he belittled and tore you apart. I couldn't see how he took your gifts and your talents away from you, making you feel insecure and empty. I was angry because you only came to me when you fought, but what I didn't see was that isolating you was one of the many tools he used to break you. Looking back my heart hurts because there were so many signs that I could not understand. I was selfish and made everything about me. You were not the same friend I grew up with, but none of us are the same. He convinced you that you were not worthy of anything better; he made you believe that he was the best you could get.

You were not the only one who had changed...I did too. I was once a positive person but then my world suddenly revolved around the latest drama and I strived on it. When you stopped talking to me because we disagreed I didn't try to apologize because I was too prideful. I had become angry and was unable to listen to you without offering advice. I was so petty I would make change my statuses on facebook to public just so you could see I was happy without you and I no longer needed you...but inside I was still broken. For so long during this phase of our friendship I was so angry at you for ruining our friendship. I was so focused on you I was unable to realize I was also part of the problem.We were both suffering from different forms of trauma but neither of us knew how to handle it.

I will never forget when my mother called and told me she heard that you were pregnant. I felt my heart shatter. I couldn't believe that you were a mother and I was not there to celebrate with you. After crying for multiple hours I decided to text you...I was scared but I wanted you to know that I was happy for you and I was cheering you on. That one text led to another, to you meeting the two most special kiddos in my life, I got to meet your husband which led to group chats, calling, and us getting to be apart of each other lives again.

What I learned was it wasn't the friendship I had to leave behind; instead, I had to replace my toxic habits for habits that would uplift myself and others and you had to do the same. I am so proud of the person you have become. You have found an amazing husband and a family that supports you. You are constantly laughing when you used to lash out. You listen when you used to give the silent treatment. Everything about you has changed and I can see how your love for others has grown and your confidence for your talents has grown. What we did was not easy. What you did was not easy but you did it.

I am sharing our story because there are dozens of posts that I see every week about others who have lost a friend to a 'toxic' relationship. It may be that there is no way your relationship can be considered healthy, and that is okay. I want to urge you to ask yourself what can you learn through your experience? Are you able to take a step back, evaluate and be completely honest with yourself and your actions? I wasn't able to do that for a long time and I will admit it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Through this experience I can say I am so thankful that we went through this difficult time. Without this experience, I would not have hit rock bottom. I never would have started therapy, and I would still be the same self-centered person I was and lashing out from pain. Through this experience we have not only rose from our trauma, we are conquering it! Not all friendships are doomed because they are considered 'toxic' and there is hope...there is a silver lining.

So how did we get here? By a lot of hard work, a lot of mistakes, and a lot of little victories!