Navigating Grief Through the Eyes of Innocence

This week has been the hardest since my grandma's death. Until now, it didn’t feel real. It felt as if I was still waiting for her to come home. It wasn’t real until I was driving home from Kansas City and called her to tell her I was on my way back. She always wanted me to call her before I left to tell me to drive safely and let her know when I got home so she wouldn’t worry. This time she didn’t answer, and it hit me that she would never answer her phone again.

Since then, I have found myself crying randomly, and as much as I try not to cry around my kids, I was unable to hide my sadness today. As I sat on the floor crying, Kinsley came up to me and said, “Oh my mommy, why are you crying? Are you sad?”. I nodded my head yes, and she wrapped her arm around my neck and started rubbing my cheek. She said, “It’s okay, mommy, you have some big emotions right now, and that is okay. Sometimes our emotions are happy and sometimes we are sad. Do you need alone time, or do you want hugs to make you feel better?” I told her I wanted some hugs, and so she sat with me and wiped away my tears. She then told me to take a deep breath and started deep breathing with me. After we both took some deep breaths, she said, “Mommy, what do you want to do now?” I told her I was going to clean the house, and that would make me feel better. She quickly jumped off my lap and said, “Okay, mommy, we will do teamwork, and I will help you clean!”

How I wish I could call my grandma and tell her this story. She loved it. When I would call and tell her little stories about my babies. Even though my heart is hurting right now, I am so proud. Being a mother is so hard, and most days I feel like I am failing and will never be a good enough mom for them. Listening to her validate my feelings and try to calm me down made me speechless. I may feel like I am not doing my best in a lot of areas, but I have taught my children to be compassionate and how to be in tune with their feelings.

I know I look terrible in this picture, but I want to remember this moment forever.

In this snapshot, amidst the rawness of grief, there is beauty—the beauty of a child’s empathy, the beauty of a mother’s love, and the beauty of a grandmother’s legacy living on through the lessons she taught me. Though tears may stain our cheeks and hearts may ache with longing, moments like these remind us that love transcends boundaries, bridging the gap between past, present, and future.

Rest in peace, Grandma, knowing that your spirit lives on in the love and compassion we share with one another.