Looking Back, A Year of Healing

A year has passed—a year marked by tears shed, therapy sessions, and the relentless push beyond my limits. And today, I stand here, proud to declare that saying their names no longer shatters me; instead, it empowers me. As I reflect on the journey that brought me to this moment, I'm reminded of the raw emotion that fueled my initial post.

I vividly recall the day I wrote these words, fresh from yet another panic attack triggered by memories I wished to bury. In that moment of vulnerability, I craved solace, an antidote to the loneliness that seemed to engulf me. Writing became my sanctuary, a means to reclaim control from the nightmares that haunted me. Though confronting the pain was agonizing, each word I wrote helped me breathe a little easier.

Looking back, I'm struck by the stark contrast between the person I was then and the person I've become—a metamorphosis borne out of determination. While the scars of my past still linger, they no longer define me (as much); instead, they serve as a reminder of the strength I possess.

If you find yourself harboring untold stories of pain and trauma, know that you are not alone. My inbox is a safe haven, a sanctuary free from judgment. I will stand beside you, offering unwavering support and compassion. You deserve to be heard, to be believed, and above all, to be loved.

So, let us revisit the words written a year ago—

---

I always told myself that if I were sexually assaulted, I wouldn’t be afraid to come forward. But then it happened, and I was terrified, longing to pretend it never occurred. I never understood why someone would feel shame for a situation they had no control over, yet when it happened, I couldn’t help but blame myself for what transpired, while they continued to live their life as if nothing had happened. I always told myself that if a man went too far and told me to keep it a secret, I would seek help. But then it happened differently—there were no secrets. I had no idea what kind of situation I was in. I told myself I would tell the truth. But then it happened, and I kept their names a secret, fearing that saying their name would shatter the little bit of peace I’d worked so hard to put back together.

I’ve said and thought so many things in my life. I didn’t understand why people wouldn’t want justice. Does it make healing easier when you say their names? Or does it break you? We all say things without knowing what we would really do. We all have our process. I just want every one of you to know that it doesn’t matter how big or how small your trauma is—your trauma is valid. The way you process your trauma is not dumb; it doesn’t make you stupid. I understand how hard it can be, and sadly, others won’t understand unless it happens to them. I know I didn’t.

Until the age of 24 I can’t remember a time when there wasn’t a predator lurking somewhere in my life. I remember sobbing to my counselor asking him what made me an easy target.

What about me made it seem like I had a huge sign above my head that said: “Target Me”. Why did it feel like I was a magnet to these sick men? I encountered them in church, school, the streets, a guest in my own home, was stalked, and even cornered in a gas station by a drunk man as he told me he was going to follow me home, hold me down and rape me. He could see I was very pregnant but informed me I had never encountered a “real man before”.

So, why me? My therapist explained to me what many of these men saw...innocence, a young girl who was a bit naive but saw the good in everyone, I had a hard time standing up to authority and liked to refrain from conflict. He listed qualities that were nothing to be ashamed of, in fact I was proud of most of them. Sadly, they saw these traits and thought I could be an easy target and I’d be quiet...and I was. I didn’t tell anybody the extent I experienced for years, but I’m done being silent. I shouldn’t have to live in shame for something that was not my choice. I write my own story and it doesn’t end with them winning. I am no longer a victim but a survivor so to the men that hurt me and for the men who have made me feel scared...I am not your victim any longer.

Bob

David

Bonipaul

I will not hide your names any longer because I did nothing to be ashamed of. I do not have to keep your secrets!