A Letter To My Abusers

2019 was the year that I started living a transparent life and started building belief in myself and healing. I know the chances of you reading this will be slim, but this year I want to live fearlessly. For me to be able to live without fear I have to heal from what each of you did.

I forgot who I used to be until last week I found myself having another panic attack while laying on the bathroom floor in a house full of people that love me and my family. It wasn’t until that moment I realized everything you stole from me. There was a time in my life when I loved being surrounded by people. I used to love talking, laughing, and making friends, but because I have these small glimpses of what I used to be I couldn’t see how much of myself I truly lost. Because of you both I constantly question those who I am closest to, because title and power doesn’t mean you're a good person or that you love someone.I haven’t mourned for who I used to be before each of you because I have forgotten who I used to be.

Because of you I have learned to listen to my gut. I had that feeling with each of you. I was scared and even voiced my concerns to a few but I thought I was being dramatic. I didn't believe in myself so I pushed those feelings away. I wish more then anything I would have listened but you knew how to manipulate me. Because of what you did I will never ignore that feeling again, looking back every time I have had that feeling my gut was right. I will always listen for that feeling whether its family, a higher authority, a loved ones boyfriend, or anyone who could become involved in either mine or my children life. I refuse to be a victim ever again. I know I cannot control everything, but I can control this.

Each of you have changed me but none of you will dictate my story. You have not made me into the person I am today...everything I have worked so hard on has been because of me. You no longer play a role in my falls or in my success. I will not heal over night but one day I will be able to tell my story without falling apart. One day I will find happiness and have a social life. One day I will find my self worth and have confidence in who I am. There will be a day when I can go outside and feel safe, a night when I can sleep in the same bed as my husband and not feel you crawl into bed behind me. I am not sure what the future holds but there will be a day when I live my life with less reminders of you. I hope one day you will realize the pain you have caused. I hope that maybe one day you will change and never hurt another person. I doubt this will happen but I will continue to have hope that I can help change the future so my children can have a safer tomorrow. You may have stolen bits and pieces of me but I am not broken.